Deadmen Don't Buy Coats
by The Geeky Saxophonist
Summary: Set pre-Overdose. Rocketbilly decides it's about time Juji bought a new coat, and the two of them embark on a dysfunctional shopping trip. An attempt at a Gungrave humor fic! Possibly OOC with a teeny tiny bit of Juji x Billy!


**Author's notes! **Hello everyone! This is my first attempt at Gungrave fan fiction, and it's set in the Overdose universe, sometime before the actual game takes place. I've attempted to write a Gungrave humor fic, and since the series is not very bright and cheerful, I hope I did okay at keeping the tone and Juji and Billy in-character. I apologize for any OOC-ness and for the very slight slashy-ness-Juji and Billy are one of the only two slash pairings I like. ^^;  
Anyways, this is dedicated to my awesome friend TwilightStar7 who helped me with the idea, forced me to type it, and proofread this story! Thank you very much!  
I hope you enjoy the story! :)

* * *

**DEADMEN DON'T BUY COATS**

"YOU NEED A NEW COAT!"

Deadman Juji Kabane shifted slightly on the old couch he was sprawled across. He could imagine his companion, rockabilly ghost Rocketbilly Redcadillac, standing over him with his hands on his hips. "I don't want a new coat! What's so bad about this one?"

"It's horribly tattered and there's a huge hole—no, _several_ huge holes in it!"

Juji frowned and felt around the patched fabric. "Whaddya mean? It's not _that_ bad," he defended, just as he discovered one of the massive holes pointed out by RB.

"You can't _see!_"

Now that was true. Seed had rendered Juji blind. "Well, what's the point of me getting a new coat if I can't even see it?"

"You. Need. A. New. Coat. We're going shopping." Billy said, matter-of-factly.

Juji grunted and rolled over on the couch, effectively turning his back to the ghost. "What're you gonna do if I don't come with you, huh?"

"I'll haunt you!" Billy threatened.

"Oh, I'm scared," the blind deadman grumbled. But it was true—Juji's coat was in sorry shape after the many fights against the crime syndicate harboring the drug Seed and the dreaded Corsione family that had turned Juji into the half-Seed half-deadman he was today. The already patchwork coat now had several more large, gaping holes. It was amazing that it still _resembled_ a coat at this point.

Billy decided it was about time his blind friend replaced that ratty old coat. Sure, Juji was dead, but he might was well look nice (or at least Billy thought he should).

Juji, on the other hand, did not care one bit about his appearance. Dead blind people weren't expected to be supermodels, now, were they? It was beyond him why RB cared about how he looked. It probably had something to do with that whole rockabilly scene the ghost had been a part of when alive. Thinking of that, Juji was rather worried _what _Billy would put him in. Nonetheless, Juji had no desire to be haunted by his friend for the rest of his tortured existence.

He reluctantly agreed to humor RB on the little shopping trip. Juji just hoped that they would not stand out too much among the normal, living people and have a normal shopping experience.

_ Tch,_ he scoffed mentally, _like _that's_ gonna happen._

_

* * *

_

"Where're we even going, RB?" Juji asked after a sullen ten minutes of following the ghost's presence. It had occurred to him that he hadn't been clothes shopping in a long time.

"Well, I was thinkin' Jacey's," Billy responded enthusiastically. "They've got some real nice clothes for the ladies!"

"Why do you even _know_ that, you creep?" Juji exclaimed.

Billy just laughed.

"Don't you DARE buy me a woman's coat!" the blind deadman growled.

That made Billy laugh even harder. "Now don't you go givin' me ideas!"

"Damn you."

Juji stayed fumingly silent until they arrived at the mall.

"Okay, Juji," Billy said, "Hold me."

"_WHAT?_" Juji shouted.

The ghost laughed yet again. "I mean my guitar, silly. It'll be real weird to see a random guitar just floatin' through the mall. And with all the people there, they'd probably walk right through me—that's bound to cause some panic. I'm not all that solid."

Billy did have a point there, Juji noted.

"Anyways, they'll probably think you're some blind, homeless musician type dude. They're pretty common in cities like this."

"Blind, homeless musician? Screw you, RB." Juji grumbled. He snatched up Billy's guitar by the neck.

"Careful there," the ghost warned. "If you break my Blue Lightning, I'll have to haunt you or else I'll disappear forever! You don't want that, do you?"

As much as Juji hated to admit it, Billy was the only friend he had. He loosened his death grip on the guitar, then stalked into the mall with the nastiest scowl on his scarred face.

_If it wasn't for RB, I wouldn't have to buy a new frickin' coat._ Juji thought darkly.

As soon as they entered the mall, thousands of unfamiliar smells assaulted the deadman's nose like an army of super-powered Orgmen. Juji hadn't been to the mall since losing his sight and gaining his incredible sense of smell, thus, the sheer amount of smells was terribly overwhelming.

"RB…"

The voice was right next to his ear. "Yeah?"

"WHERE THE HELL IS THE GODDAMN JACEY'S!" Juji bellowed.

"Shut up! People'll think you're mental, too," Billy said, with a hint of amusement. "Not that you aren't already."

Juji sniffed indignantly and shrunk further into his coat. "Damn you." He could imagine Billy grinning his stupid head off, even though he had never actually seen the ghost. "Just get me to the damn store, okay? I hate malls."

"You hate _everything_, Juji," Billy responded, but began guiding his blind deadman friend through the mall. And as he expected, people left and right were mistaking Juji for a blind, homeless musician, and were giving him money left and right.

"Gee, people sure are _nice_, aren't they, Juj?"

"Hrngh."

Juji was even stopped by a little old lady.

"Oh, you poor thing," she cooed. "Here, buy yourself a nice, new, warm coat, okay, sweetie?"

Juji was about to snap a nasty rebuke, but Billy replied just as the deadman opened his mouth.

"Why thank you very much, ma'am!" Billy-as-Juji thanked her. The ghost was always sure to treat the ladies with proper respect, especially those who reminded him of his dear sweet granny.

Finally, the two undead friends arrived at the Jacey's, but Juji froze immediately as he inhaled the air.

"What's wrong?" Billy inquired, sensing something was wrong.

Juji started coughing. "I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING!"

"Well… you _are_ blind."

"I MEAN SMELL—DAMMIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RB YOU SON OF A—!" Juji was cut off by a nasty hacking cough. "This place… effing reeks! What is that horrible frickin' stench!" He added flung in a few extra curses to properly express his feelings.

"Ah, damn it all. I forgot this was the entrance with the perfume department!" Billy realized. The perfume department was torture enough for a normal person, but for someone with an incredibly defined sense of smell, it was pretty much the equivalent of being thrown into hell itself.

"Perfume department!" wheezed Juji, "Damn this frickin' department store to frickin' HELL!" he cursed violently.

"Shush. Friendship words, Juj," Billy scolded softly. "Calm down and I'll walk you through. Just hold your breath for a minute and—"

"I'M DEAD! I don't need to breathe!" Juji quickly realized the fierce rebuke was in fact the way he was going to get through this hellish department.

"Exactly!" the ghost said. "We'll be through before you know it. Don't even _think_ of getting your swords out, though," Billy added when he noticed Juji's hand straying dangerously near to one of his gunblades (Tsumuji, he noted. Juji tended to favor that gunblade over Hayate.).

The deadman snarled but obeyed Billy's directions out of the despicable department. Finally and thankfully the air was clear. Juji breathed a wonderful breath of fresh air through his lungs. Sure, he could get away without breathing for a bit, but if he stopped breathing for too long, his Seed half may as well take control and kill him for good. He wasn't done with his quest to expel his revenge upon Garino Corsione quite yet…

….nor was he done in the department store.

"Alright, now where the hell are we?" Juji asked. His short temper was already running thin.

"Woman's department."

"Rocketbilly Recadillac, I _swear_ I'd kill you if you weren't already dead."

"Aw, Juj, I'm just kidding, you know that," Billy said. "This is the men's department."

"It'd better be," growled the blind deadman. He was sure RB was grinning his stupid head off.

"It is," the ghost reaffirmed. "You wouldn't look good in a dress."

"Shut up and screw you," Juji mumbled through clenched teeth. "Pick out a damn coat and let's get out of here. I hate shopping."

"But Juji, we have to make sure you get the _perfect_ one!"

"Hurry. Up."

Billy once again noticed the deadman's hand straying towards Tsumuji. Juji was grouchy to begin with and shopping really wasn't improving his mood as he had hoped. Billy looked about the department. No doubt Juji would want another long coat—they were good at concealing his gunblades, and not to mention, pretty warm. Ever since they'd met, Juji'd worn that same old patchwork coat. It was either because he liked it or he just didn't care. It was probably the latter, but despite this, Billy wanted to find a coat Juji would like. Not that he could see it or anything.

"Are you done yet? Can we leave?"

The ghost glanced over at the angry Juji. "Not yet. You've got to try them on—heck, I don't even know what size you wear—then you decide which one you like best. Haven't you ever been clothes shopping?"

Juji thought for a minute, then shrugged.

Billy sighed. "Here. Try these ones, 'kay?" He guided Juji to the few coats he liked. It must have looked very odd to see a blind man shopping by himself, Billy mused. He _could_ always make himself appear, but seeing a rockabilly shopping for a (supposed) blind, homeless musician was even more bizarre.

"Hey. Where am I supposed to try these on? I'm not changing out here," an impatient Juji demanded.

"Over here."

"Frickin' hate shopping…" Juji wrathfully flung off his tattered coat as once the door to the dressing room was closed. He stopped and scratched his head confusedly. He'd just noticed he was in a tiny room and had no clue what where he was. "RB, stop watching me strip and be useful."

"It ain't strippin' till you get your pants off," Billy smirked.

Juji tore off his shirt and whipped it where he believed RB to be.

Billy laughed. "Now we're getting somewhere…"

Juji allowed himself a snarky grin before groping around the tiny room for his shirt and pulling it back on. _Wait a minute… did I really just start _stripteasing_ RB?_ he suddenly realized in shock. Damn, what was shopping doing to his already royally screwed up mental state? This was getting awkward.

"You're blush-ing!" Billy teased, drawing out the verb.

"Just shut the hell up!" Juji snapped. He tried on the first coat that came in reach to distract RB. "Hey. How does this one look? Can't tell how the hell it looks."

"Well…. I can say for sure, blue ain't your color," Billy said.

"Never was," Juji snorted. "Guess none of these coats are for me. Can we go now?"

"No, you only tried on one, silly."

"Damn it all."

The next was also a no-go, as was the one after. Juji was ready to murder someone and was still pretty embarrassed about the little striptease he almost performed. Billy was definitely enjoying himself, though. His constant comments were driving the deadman insane.

Fortunately, Billy finally decided on a coat before Juji snapped and destroyed half of the store.

"There we go! This one looks good on you," he said.

"Finally!" Juji said, sounding very frustrated. "Tell me what it looks like," he added.

"It's a lovely, pink overcoat. Very sleek and sexy," Billy snickered. "Aw, you know I'm just kiddin'," he added when Juji grasped both Tsumuji and Hayate's hilts. "It's a tan long coat, kinda like your old one. Only it's intact and not patched in twenty-something places."

"I'd hope they wouldn't sell already destroyed clothing," Juji mused.

"Oh, you should see the junior's clothes, the pants especially—"

"Why the HELL do you know this?" Juji exclaimed. "You're such a pervert!" he added before Billy could defend his actions. "Geez. Let's just buy this thing and get out of this damn department store."

Juji angrily tromped over to the check-out line

"That will be sixty-two dollars," said the cashier.

"_That _much?" Juji shouted. It was then Billy realized he forgot to even check the price! What if they didn't have enough money? Would Juji resort to violence in his near-enraged state? Thankfully Billy's worst-case scenario didn't play out. Instead, the deadman shouted in a rage, "I'm a poor, homeless dea—blind guy! Isn't there some type of discount for that?"

The cashier shifted uncomfortably under Juji's nasty scowl. He didn't like this guy—his patchy coat and scarred face were creepy and quite suspicious. "Um… if I give you one, will you leave quicker?"

"Hell yes!" Juji replied enthusiastically.

"Okay, uh, how does sixty dollars sound?"

"Fifty."

"Fifty-five?"

"Forty! Take it or leave it!" Juji bellowed, smashing the money on to the counter. In reality, it was only thirty-eight dollars and twenty-seven cents, but the cashier was too terrified to care at this point. He completed the transaction as fast as his shaking hands would let him.

"Thank you for shopping at Jacey's, sir," the cashier squeaked.

"You're frickin' welcome!" Juji snarled. He stomped off with his purchase shoved under his arm and fuming like a volcano. Seed really did nothing to help his temper.

Billy made himself visible again as soon as they left the mall so he could take back custody of Blue Lightning—Juji was gripping it so tightly that he was worried that the wrathful, rage-filled deadman would snap it in half.

"Well, I'd say that was a pretty successful trip, wouldn't you?" Billy beamed while patting Juji on the shoulder (which he couldn't feel, but Billy didn't care).

Juji responded with a steady stream of swears that lasted for at least a minute, the only non-cusses being "you," "Rocketbilly Redcadillac," and "department store."

_What a grumpy man,_ Billy thought as he listened to Juji's cursing. "Hey, I know what'll cheer you up!" he said, once the barrage of swears ended.

"What."

"Ice cream!"

Juji stopped dead in his tracks and his jaw dropped. "Did you seriously just suggest we buy _ice cream?"_

"Well, why not?"

"We're DEAD, if you haven't noticed. We don't… heck, we _can't_ eat!"

Billy pouted. "Aw man, I really wanted some… why'd you have to remind me? Thanks a lot, dream wrecker," he exasperatedly exclaimed. He was quiet for a moment. "Oh, Juji, I think I'm gonna cry!" Billy suddenly said, overdramatically throwing himself around his friend.

Juji groaned. "You are _so_ strange, RB."

Billy chuckled. "So are you."

* * *

That night, a Seed deal went down not too far from the very mall Juji and Billy had gone to. In the process of battling the syndicate members, one of them turned out to be a potent Seed user and went ballistic. Juji and Billy had been separated from one another in the chaos.

Billy had gotten back to their homebase first. He wasn't too worried about his friend—Juji could take care of himself in a battle and somehow always managed to find his way back home, since he was quite used to living in this city. He sat waiting while idly plucking out a tune on his guitar.

Finally, Juji ambled in, the Seed-induced flame on his shoulder still flickering slightly. "Damned Seed druggies…" he grumbled, wiping blood from his face on his sleeve. "Stupid bastard tore one of my scars open!" the deadman complained.

Billy was staring at him. "Uh, Juj…"

Juji turned his head from where RB's voice had come from. "Yeah?" he replied while wiping Tsumuji's blade on his coat.

"Is that your new coat?" Billy asked, with a rising sense of dread.

"Uh, yeah," Juji responded, now cleaning Hayate's blood-drenched blade. "What about it?"

"WHAT THE HELL!" Billy bellowed. The brand-new coat was torn and bloodied to the point that it was no longer tan, but crimson. To make a long story short: it was utterly destroyed. "WE JUST _BOUGHT_ THAT! AND IT'S ALREADY RUINED!"

Juji shrugged nonchalantly. "Guess it's not as Seed-proof as my old one, huh. Speaking of which, where did it go? I don't want Seed druggie blood all over me."

That's when Billy noticed that Juji's Seed flame had gone out, and had burned a hole through the right shoulder as well.

"Oh, man," the ghost sighed, defeated. He put his face into his hands. "You need a new coat."

Juji barked a laugh and collapsed on to the couch. "Too funny, RB. Too funny."

Billy glanced over at the utterly ruined coat that had been unceremoniously tossed in to the corner. "Damn, we can't even get a refund on that now," he sighed quietly.

Back on the ratty old couch, Juji was contentedly dozing in his old coat. It seemed that tattered, patchy piece of fabric was the only garment that could survive Juji's haphazard lifestyle.

_Oh, well,_ Rocketbilly thought. _At least I tried._

**THE END**


End file.
